When I was a young man, I had liberty, but I did not see it.
I had time, but I did not know it.
And I had love, but I did not feel it.
Many decades would pass before I understood the meaning of all three.
And now, in the twilight of my life, this understanding has passed into contentment.
Love, liberty and time – once so disposable, are the fuels that drive me forward."
— Ezio Auditore on mortality and meaning in life.
- 1 year ago
The Core Tenants of LaVeyan Satanism
Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence!
Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates!
Satan represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek!
Satan represents responsibility to the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires!
Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all!
Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
Satan has been the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years!
Check, check, check and check!
If that’s the case, then I’ve had a satanic philosophy for the greater half of my life. A lot of these ideas are ones that I find I’ve previously arrived at through independent introspection.
Now I must hunt down a leather-bound edition of this book.
- 1 year ago
- 2 years ago
My father, a wise and grave man, gave me serious and excellent counsel against what he foresaw was my design. He called me one morning into his chamber, where he was confined by the gout, and expostulated very warmly with me upon this subject.
He asked me what reasons, more than a mere wandering inclination, I had for leaving father’s house and my native country, where I might be well introduced, and had a prospect of raising my fortune by application and industry, with a life of ease and pleasure. He told me it was men of desperate fortunes on one hand, or of aspiring, superior fortunes on the other, who went abroad upon adventures, to rise by enterprise, and make themselves famous in undertakings of a nature out of the common road; that these things were all either too far above me or too far below me; that mine was the middle state, or what might be called the upper station of low life, which he had found, by long experience, was the best state in the world, the most suited to human happiness, not exposed to the miseries and hardships, the labour and sufferings of the mechanic part of mankind, and not embarrassed with the pride, luxury, ambition, and envy of the upper part of mankind.
He told me I might judge of the happiness of this state by this one thing - viz. that this was the state of life which all other people envied; that kings have frequently lamented the miserable consequence of being born to great things, and wished they had been placed in the middle of the two extremes, between the mean and the great; that the wise man gave his testimony to this, as the standard of felicity, when he prayed to have neither poverty nor riches.
He bade me observe it, and I should always find that the calamities of life were shared among the upper and lower part of mankind, but that the middle station had the fewest disasters, and was not exposed to so many vicissitudes as the higher or lower part of mankind; nay, they were not subjected to so many distempers and uneasinesses, either of body or mind, as those were who, by vicious living, luxury, and extravagances on the one hand, or by hard labour, want of necessaries, and mean or insufficient diet on the other hand, bring distemper upon themselves by the natural consequences of their way of living; that the middle station of life was calculated for all kind of virtue and all kind of enjoyments; that peace and plenty were the handmaids of a middle fortune; that temperance, moderation, quietness, health, society, all agreeable diversions, and all desirable pleasures, were the blessings attending the middle station of life; that this way men went silently and smoothly through the world, and comfortably out of it, not embarrassed with the labours of the hands or of the head, not sold to a life of slavery for daily bread, nor harassed with perplexed circumstances, which rob the soul of peace and the body of rest, nor enraged with the passion of envy, or the secret burning lust of ambition for great things; but, in easy circumstances, sliding gently through the world, and sensibly tasting the sweets of living, without the bitter; feeling that they are happy, and learning by every day’s experience to know it more sensibly,"
- Robinson Crusoe
One reason I’ve always enjoyed some of the more accessible English classics is the fact that the great authors of the time seem to share in my hatred of short sentences and frugality towards punctuation.
- 2 years ago
Life’s Little Annoyances - Issue #1
#1 The sickening splash of public toilet water against your vulnerable anus
Hands up if this has ever happened to you. OK, hands down.
As we all know, the cold splash is a cruel and terrible thing, but it’s even worse when it happens in a public toilet. As with the largely hypothetical choice of choosing between eating one’s own shit or that of a stranger’s, most people will choose the former. It might be shit, but there’s a certain degree of comfort and solace one will find in the act of eating their own shit which they would not otherwise experience whilst feasting on the stool of parties anonymous.
This same principle applies to arse-splashes: it’s regrettable when it happens in the comforts of your own residence’s toilet, but you get over it rather quickly. When it happens in a public toilet however, well that’s a whole other story. After a frantic and ginger wipe-down with fist-fulls of toilet paper, you will have to spend the remainder of the day shopping with the knowledge that particles of someone else’s shit, however tiny they may be, remain on the surface of your rear.
If you’re a male, you can expect the average public latrine to contain a selection of cubicles, each of them with a bowl more shit and urine-sullied than the last. This is, of course, largely the result of callous and irresponsible people who refuse to lift the fucking toilet seat up when they piss. If they had exercised even this slight courteousy, then the next user would be spared the microbial assault on their buttocks from the urinal residue that taints the seat’s surface.
Douchebags like this should be using the urinal like all the other grownups, but they insist on using the cubicles for pissing. They probably engage in this antisocial behavior because they have incredibly-tiny penises that cannot be extruded far enough outside of their trousers for them to use the urinal without the risk of wetting themselves. There are of course people who inexplicably leave shit smears on the toilet seat and one can’t help but imagine the circumstances of their placement. And so with filthy toilet seats a plague on the male toileteer’s conscious, the last thing he would want is the eponymous shit-water splash.
Now I’m well aware that some of the more savvy toileteers have strategies to counteract this phenomenon. The most well-known of these is the famed and widely-practiced ‘lily-pad’, which essentially involves deploying a sheet of toilet paper onto the surface of the bowl’s water. This pioneer sheet serves in the capacity of a countermeasure against the upward splashes, which are themselves a result of plummeting excrement and its impact of the water’s surface.
But even then, this doesn’t always work. Aside from the wildcard element of Newtonian fecal physics, certain varieties of shit are more resilient and tenacious than others. Specimens such as the post-constipation deuce or the diarrheal-geyser can often bypass the defenses of the tissue screen, resulting in a cold and moist shock to the sphincters of unsuspecting toilet users everywhere.
For the benefit of readers, I’ve done extensive research on this topic, and I have the following anecdotal findings to share:
- Rather than deploying a single sheet of toilet paper to disrupt the physics of surface tension, I’d recommended using a small handful of crushed sheets.
- These have proven to be far more effective, as the folds essentially create a sort of ‘tissue kelp garden’ that inhibits and slows the movement of the shit as it strikes the water. My theory is that the speed and rate of aquatic displacement has a direct correlation with how severe the resulting up-splash is. In Layman’s terms: The faster the shit moves through the water upon impact, the greater the splash.
- This method also has the added bonus of acting as a sound-suppressor of sorts for the inevitable *schloop!* sound that your shit will make as it impacts the water. If you’re one of those weirdos that farts, groans, grunts, and moans audibly in public toilets, then this is a moot point to you, as you care little for the horror you inflict upon your cubicle neighbors who have to listen to you.
Shit safe my readers, but most of all, shit smart.
- 2 years ago
Neanderthals didn’t die out; their offspring live on in those who push in at lines, drop litter within 20 meters of rubbish bins or those who spend their lives deceiving, cheating and robbing their kindred humanoid Mammalians. People that are vehemently self-entitled, expecting every courtesy be afforded to them whilst insisting on giving none whatsoever, are the clumps of dry shit hanging off the hairs on society’s arse-hole. Delinquents, vandals, agitators, thieves, religious fundamentalists and the callously-apathetic are my sworn enemies in life.
- 2 years ago